The Circle
by May
Summary: River's life is a circle, she knows this.


Title: The Circle  
Series Title: None  
Author: walkwithheroes or May

Challenge Month: October/Halloween at the live journal 'Copper for a Kiss'

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Lines of dialogue are taken from deleted scenes from the show, the show itself, and the film.  
Rating: PG or T (I suck at rating.)

A/N: Some spoilers from the movie.

"I'm not going to say one word. I'm not going to **SAY** one word."

They started to see if she could read their minds right before her fifty-third session. The orderlies had put her in her chair and one of the men-one of the men whose face she never saw-had stood in front of her. He had stared at her, his green eyes burning into her brown ones. And he had just stared at her. Never saying one word, not one word.

It had started as a humming in her ears. Then, there had been a whooshing sound; it had sounded like waves on the ocean. That was followed by the whispers. The whispers of everyone in the room with her, of everyone in the building…of everyone. The whispers had stirred inside her head. They were awful, dirty, whispers that scared her.

She had mewed in misery and convulsed. The man had smiled.

"Two by two. Hands of Blue."

The Blue Hands had always been there. She couldn't remember a time when she hadn't known them. The two who walked together, who showed no emotion. River always thought they belonged in one of the seven hells. All stone and cold and evil.

They never smiled at her, but they looked at her with something in their eyes. It was an emotion that River didn't know or understand. It was as if she were the most precious thing in their world and yet they hated and feared her. River sometimes thought that that was what Simon would look like if he ever saw her again.

"River Tam." The first one would always say her name.

Then the second one would finish. "You truly are more precious then life itself."

"…and there's secrets."

They had dressed her up like a gorram doll the day five Parliament members had come to see her. She had muttered to herself as they had combed her hair and sat her in a chair. The men had walked in and just looked her over impassively as they asked her doctor questions. Lots and lots of silly and pointless questions.

River was nearly tempted to kill them all with her brain…but that was before the Parliament members had started whispering to her_. Old men covered in blood, but it never touched them._ Reavers, Pax, planets, Miranda, military, meetings, minds, cut them open and see what's inside….secrets.

River never told Dr. Mathias what she learned that day; he wouldn't have listen, he thought he was smarter then her. After all, his sin was pride.

"Who are we going to find in there? The girl or the weapon."

River could kill all of them before Mal or Zoe or Jayne could pull a gun on her. Kaylee had said it best, once: _Nobody can shot like that, that's a person._ River wasn't a person anymore and she knew it. Simon and Kaylee and Mal and Inara and Wash and Book and even Zoe liked to pretend that she was one, but River knew better.

Feel everything and know whose coming and what they're doing, read their minds, see the future, be faster and stronger and better then them. Little teenage assassin. A tiny reader assassin that could kill you before you even noticed her.

Yet, the crew of Serenity all liked playing pretend. Pretend she didn't know their secrets. Pretend she couldn't shot them before they blinked. Pretend she wouldn't slash and destroy Blue Sun images, even if they wore them.

Pretending could be fun. Pretending could ease their fears. Of course, River knew better; she knew everything after all.

"She goes woolly again, we're gonna have to put a bullet to her."

Jayne knew she wasn't a girl; not fully one, anyway. He watched her out of the corner of his eye whenever she was in a room. She had slashed him right across the chest and she had told him that she could kill him with her brain. Jayne may not have been the most intelligent person in the 'verse, but he wasn't the dumbest either. He knew that if something were to happen, he'd be forced to put a bullet in her.

"Make it fast. Bullet in the brain pan, squish." River had whispered to him one night. She had laughed then, and he had given her a 'what the hell?' look. "Captain and Zoe wouldn't be able to; see the girl. You only see the weapon." River had explained as carefully and as softly as she could; Simon and Kaylee were flirting nearby. "Bullet." She tapped the side of her head. "Don't think about the girl when you do it. I'm the weapon and you're the weapon's fixer. You can fix a broken weapon by killing it. Please." She had given him a smile, patted his arm, and danced over to her brother.

After that, Jayne always carried a tiny gun; just in case.

"They're afraid of me. They should be."

River knew they were all afraid of her after Paquin. But, it hadn't been her fault. It hadn't been River Tam, girl, that had killed those eight men. No, it had been R. Tam, weapon and government's doll, that had killed them. The funny thing was, River couldn't even remember what had set her off. Maybe the Operative's message was still running over the cortex? Or maybe River was much more broken then anyone had realized.

It had been Jayne who had put River down, a full forty seconds before Kaylee had found Simon. Jayne had shot River in the gut with a tiny gun. Only, River didn't remember that. She only remembered that she had been getting the drinks with Kaylee and then Simon had yelled out: "Eta Kooram Nah Smech!"

River awoke hours later, chained in the storage locker in the dinning room. Simon was treating her wounds and a nervous crew had been waiting just outside.

"It isn't mine. The memory. I didn't bring it and I shouldn't have to carry it, it isn't mine."

Her nightmares, which had gotten better after Miranda, began getting worse after that. She no longer just dreamed about the Academy. Now she dreamed of Reavers and wars. She dreamed of meetings and labs that no one could find. She dreamed of death and destruction. Her senses were filled with the smells of burning flesh and the sounds of screaming. Death was coming for dinner and River Tam was going to have to serve it.

Simon didn't understand, though River tried to tell him. Always and always tried to tell him, but Simon couldn't understand her. She had tried Mal after Simon, he had given her a concerned look, but there had been no other conversations. Zoe, Inara, and Kaylee had all told her it would be all right. River was no longer a wanted girl and her secret had been told. None of them understood that she had secrets still left to tell.

Finally, River paid Jayne a visit. He was in his bunk, silently writing to his mother, father, and brother. "I'm wanted at home." She had told him simply as she sat on the bed beside him.

"Yeah?" Jayne had given her a look. "Ain't we all, baby doll."

They had sat in silence for a while, before River tried again. "If two by two comes…if I go back…look after Simon."

Jayne had chuckled and pulled her close. "Now why would I do that? Got my hands full with you, already." He had given her a kiss on the head and for a moment River forgot about Death.

That night, she whispered in his ear as he slept: "Remember your promise. Bullet in the brain pan, squish."

Jayne's response had simply been to pull her closer to him.

"They never stop coming."

They had docked on Whitefall the day River really and truly felt _them_. She had woken up in her room and every part of her brain had been screaming: 'They're here!' Upset, River had begged and pleaded and even tried blackmailing the crew into staying on Serenity. Mal had just patted her head and told her they had work to be done. He, Zoe, and Jayne had set off to do some trade. Inara, Kaylee, and Simon had headed to the nearest town to restock and get new supplies. River had stayed hidden in her room.

She would have hidden under her covers all day, if not for the humming and whispering in her ears. _Come home, River. It's all right, we're here. _She had begun shivering and muttering her favorite lines after that: "Two by two, hands of blue."

Minutes passed and River just grew more and more agitated. _They_ were on Serenity now, she could feel them as they looked for her. River's eyes fell to her door and she pushed herself into a corner of her bed as the door slide open.

Standing there were two men, stone faced, and wearing matching pairs of blue hands.

"Hello, River." Blue Hand One spoke in a calm manner.

From her spot, River shivered. She spoke softly. "Two by two. Hands of blue."

"Yes." Blue Hand Two nodded as if River had just spoken something that made perfect sense to just him and his friend.

"They never stop coming. Not until they take back what was took. Betrayed on Christmas Day. No presents, only coal. I've been such a very bad child." Tears began streaming down her face. "No more peace. No more sun. This isn't a fairy tale and there is no prince to save me. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White are really dead and dust."

The two Blue Hands exchanged a look before entering the room. They walked calmly over to her and helped her out of bed and into her combat boots.

Blue Hand One took River's right hand. "It's time to go home, now. We have a new doctor waiting for you."

Blue Hand Two took River's left hand. "He doesn't like talking out loud, either. I'm sure you two will get along."

From over River's head, the two of them seemed to smile at one another. They quietly lead a shaking River out of Serenity and to their waiting ship.

When the others returned, there was no sign of River or a struggle. River had simply disappeared.

"I'm all right."

Lucid periods up 10. Insane, yes, but lucid. R. Tam was their star pupil. She was faster, brighter, and just better then any of the other test subjects. There had been a rough patch after the Blue Hands had brought her back, though that was expected. And she had started talking in codes and nonsense again, but the Parliament had decided that might just be for the best. Speaking in codes and rhymes made it easier to keep secrets, after all.

They had her for two years, lost her for two years, and then gotten her back. At the end of the day, the two years in which R. Tam was missing where declared as a 'test run'. The 'test run' was marked as a good thing. It allowed them to make certain changes in R. Tam's training as well as see their mistakes. It allowed them to fix their broken weapon.

"Good morning, River." Dr. Gainus greeted the young woman who was currently strapped down into her new chair. The magnets on her pants making it nearly impossible for her to stand. "How was last evening's movement training?" The girl gave no reply as technicians stuck needles onto her head and a couple briefly into her eyes. Dr. Gainus glanced at the charts for a moment, before slowly turning his attention back to a whimpering River. Her hands gripping the arms of her chair. He offered her a twisted smile. "Now, River, what do you see?"

River's reply was a blood curling scream. Dr. Gainus' smile grew. "Good. Let's amp up the dosage."

River's screams echoed throughout the building.

-The End-


End file.
